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| Mmmm.... I wished I had something interesting to say, but I never do on these things. I have so many thoughts, but all of a sudden I have nothing important to say. I think its because I never just sit and think about things anymore. I use distractions so I never have to do that. I end up doing that at school when I should be listening. Or I guess I have just learned to think any original statement I make will be dumb. Even though I joke with my friends all the time and come up with stupid things, it's things I know they will like. I have come to terms with this lately. I dont know who I am without other people. Not saying I do the "in-crowd" thing or things I am against. However, I do go with the flow and I hate conflict and I just try to please my friends all the time. I think I am honestly scared to try to be too original anymore. And I dont even know how. Maybe I do. I dont think orginality is actually the problem at all. Lately I just feel stifled and I dont exactly know what it is. During the week I wait for the weekend and then the weekend just feels like I am waiting to get back to the week so I will have something to do. I guess I just need a change, and I am excited about college. I just know it will change all of my friendships, and I am in no hurry to leave them behind. You know I guess I just feel restless which means I need a change in my life, but what? I know I need a job. Im trying. Really. I wish I was funnier. | | |
| I want to be in love. With everything. And appreciate life. And smile for no reason. And be happy with nothing. And be in love. | | |
| Looks like I need an update. So, Ali and I are on a break. Well, pretty much over. Its funny. Everything that I worried about and he told me not to happened. Everything. It's like either I should have listened to my intuition or I caused it by worrying. But I have been crying pretty much since Thursday and today was the first day Ive eaten a whole meal. Its a pretty dumb reason why we arent together but I have to respect what he wants because shamelessly begging doesnt work. But hey today is harder and easier than yesterday and maybe tomorrow will be more easy than hard. its not the first time . i should be use to this. I miss his laugh.
That was my favorite.The way he thought I was adorable. Even when I was crying. I guess adorable is never enough. Not when you're fighting tyrants. They kill puppies. Run them over with lawn mowers. I've been run over. He still said I was adorable. Then left me. He's so naive. He's joined thier Party. Has no idea what it stands for. Blindfolded loyalty. Promised me that. Then walked the plank. Submissively. Didnt even ask questions. Captain Hook said so. What happened to my brave Peter Pan? He never existed. And he never loved Wendy.
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| I was just mean to my dad. I didnt mean to be, but he asks me questions and then when I say I guess he won't leave it alone, he just keeps asking the same stupid question, and it's one that is pointless anyway. Then he doesnt understand why I get mad. So, I say I'm sorry, I just dont want to talk right now. ANd he gets mad and leaves the room and says well if it was one of your friends you would. And now I actually just want to call up one of my friends and tell talk about it. Im sorry. Im sorry Im sorry. But I am not always in the mood for chit chat even with my friends. I had such a good day today. I dont understand why I always have to be depressed when good days are over. | | |
| I have no idea what college I want to go to. I have no idea how to find the college I want to go to. ANd I have no idea how to fix this. It should be so easy. FInd a college that looks good, apply, and go there. It is not this easy. First, I want to go into theatre, so I shoul go to an arts school, but if I am going to go to an arts school I might as well go ahead and go to a film school because what I really want to do is film. But there are no film schools around here. There is the School of the Arts in NC, which I looked at. BUT it is expensive just to apply, and I have to have three monologues, and I dont even know how to find a good monologue. They dont want one from a monologue book, so you have to read plays, well since I dont know whats good or not I will be stuck reading plays and that could take so long I could never ever find one. Why is this so difficult. Why cant I just do something I want to do? Why does it have to be so expensive??????? Why why why? I thought I was just going to go with Charlie to Auburn, but then one day I realized that I cant make myself go there. I need to go somewhere that is right for me. UNfortunetely I have never known whats right for me and have always let other people decide, so now, on the biggest decision I have ever had I am trying to figure it out by myself because my parents don't understand; they want me to go to AUburn or CHipola, which Chipola does have a good show choir, and I do need experience. I would love to go to Auburn and live with Charlie and have a great college experince, but I cant. I wont be happy. Ill never make it as an actress that way. But I dont know what Im doing. I cant even find a good monologue. I am basically at the bottom of a tall mountain, and I cant find the foot holds to climb up. I am lost. Please someone show me the way up. | | |
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